Sunday, March 24, 2013

Many Successful Gay Marriages Share an Open Secret


Published: January 28, 2010
 
When Rio and Ray married in 2008, the Bay Area women omitted two words from their wedding vows: fidelity and monogamy.
“I take it as a gift that someone will be that open and honest and sharing with me,” said Rio, using the word “open” to describe their marriage.
Love brought the middle-age couple together — they wed during California’s brief legal window for same-sex marriage. But they knew from the beginning that their bond would be forged on their own terms, including what they call “play” with other women.
As the trial phase of the constitutional battle to overturn the Proposition 8 ban on same-sex marriage concludes in federal court, gay nuptials are portrayed by opponents as an effort to rewrite the traditional rules of matrimony. Quietly, outside of the news media and courtroom spotlight, many gay couples are doing just that, according to groundbreaking new research.
A study to be released next month is offering a rare glimpse inside gay relationships and reveals that monogamy is not a central feature for many. Some gay men and lesbians argue that, as a result, they have stronger, longer-lasting and more honest relationships. And while that may sound counterintuitive, some experts say boundary-challenging gay relationships represent an evolution in marriage — one that might point the way for the survival of the institution.
New research at San Francisco State University reveals just how common open relationships are among gay men and lesbians in the Bay Area. The Gay Couples Study has followed 556 male couples for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners.
That consent is key. “With straight people, it’s called affairs or cheating,” said Colleen Hoff, the study’s principal investigator, “but with gay people it does not have such negative connotations.”
The study also found open gay couples just as happy in their relationships as pairs in sexually exclusive unions, Dr. Hoff said. A different study, published in 1985, concluded that open gay relationships actually lasted longer.
None of this is news in the gay community, but few will speak publicly about it. Of the dozen people in open relationships contacted for this column, no one would agree to use his or her full name, citing privacy concerns. They also worried that discussing the subject could undermine the legal fight for same-sex marriage.
According to the research, open relationships almost always have rules.
That is how it works for Chris and James. Over drinks upstairs at the venerable Twin Peaks Tavern in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco, they beamed as they recalled the day in June 2008 that they donned black suits and wed at City Hall, stunned by the outpouring of affection from complete strangers. “Even homeless people and bike messengers were congratulating us,” said Chris, 42.
A couple since 2002, they opened their relationship a year ago after concluding that they were not fully meeting each other’s needs. But they have rules: complete disclosure, honesty about all encounters, advance approval of partners, and no sex with strangers — they must both know the other men first. “We check in with each other on this an awful lot,” said James, 37.
That transparency can make relationships stronger, said Joe Quirk, author of the best-selling relationship book “It’s Not You, It’s Biology.”
“The combination of freedom and mutual understanding can foster a unique level of trust,” Mr. Quirk, of Oakland, said.
“The traditional American marriage is in crisis, and we need insight,” he said, citing the fresh perspective gay couples bring to matrimony. “If innovation in marriage is going to occur, it will be spearheaded by homosexual marriages.”
Open relationships are not exclusively a gay domain, of course. Deb and Marius are heterosexual, live in the East Bay and have an open marriage. She belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and maintained her virginity until her wedding day at 34. But a few years later, when the relationship sputtered, both she and her husband, who does not belong to the church, began liaisons with others.
“Our relationship got better,” she said. “I slept better at night. My blood pressure went down.”
Deb and Marius also have rules, including restrictions on extramarital intercourse. “To us,” Marius said, “cheating would be breaking the agreement we have with each other. We define our relationship, not a religious group.”
So while the legal fight over same-sex marriage plays out, couples say the real battle is making relationships last — and their answers defy the prevailing definition of marriage.
“In 1900, the average life span for a U.S. citizen was 47,” Mr. Quirk said. “Now we’re living so much longer, ‘until death do us part’ is twice as challenging.”
Scott James is an Emmy-winning television journalist and novelist who lives in San Francisco.

7 comments:

  1. While I enjoyed the non-judgmental tone you brought to this report, I couldn't help but think that with time,this experiment with open marriage/open relationships will fail gays has it failed straight couple in the 70's. And along the way it weakened marriage and devalued relationships in general. I don't expect this to turn out any differently for them. All things considered, human emotions in matters of love are pretty much the same.

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  2. I would say the same thing that I would say to EVERY "straight" couple--IF IT IS OPEN, IT IS ***NOT*** A MARRIAGE!

    If this "openness" (i.e. a NON-commitment!) is a usual feature of so-called "gay marriage" then it can now be seen that it is even MORE ludicrous to promote SSU as an alleged marriage than ever before.

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  3. ONE EITHER BELIEVES, RESPECTS, ACKNOWLEDGES THE GREAT AND MIGHTY CREATOR AND OBEYS HIS RULES FOR LIVING ON THIS EARTH AND HAVING LIFE IN THEIR BODY OR THEY DON'T. JESUS SAID THERE IS A "DEVIL" AND THERE IS "HELL"...HE SAID "CHOOSE YOU THIS DAY, WHOM YOU WILL SERVE.

    THE LOVING CREATOR, FATHER GOD SAID IN THE BEGINNING "IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE" AND HE MADE HIM A FEMALE MATE. HE DID NOT MAKE ANOTHER MAN FOR ADAM; HE DID NOT MAKE ANOTHER WOMAN FOR EVE. I DIDN'T WRITE THE RULES, BUT I TRY HARD TO LIVE BY THEM. READ THE BIBLE..LEARN, CHANGE, GIVE UP LUST OF THE FLESH. SEW TO THE FLESH AND REAP CORRUPTION...CANCER, SICKNESS, DISEASE AND DEATH. SEW TO THE SPIRIT, AND REAP THE REWARD OF LIFE LONG ON THE EARTH AND ETERNAL IN THE WORLD BEYOND. IT IS YOUR CHOICE...NO ONE WILL EVER CHANGE GOD'S RULES...GOD WINS...REMEMBER THAT EACH OF US HAVE TO MEET HIM ONE DAY. HOLD YOUR HAND OVER FIRE FOR A MOMENT...IF YOU CAN'T TAKE IT, THEN YOU HAD BETTER MAKE A CHOICE TO BE ON GOD'S SIDE AND FOLLOW HIS RULES. "THE DEVIL IS A LIAR, A DECEIVER, BLINDS YOUR SPIRITUAL EYES AND UNDERSTANDING; THE DEVIL COMES TO "KILL, STEAL AND DESTROY", BUT "I JESUS, COME TO GIVE YOU THE ABUNDANT LIFE"
    CHOOSE LIFE, CHOOSE JESUS CHRIST...HE CAN AND WILL SAVE YOU IF YOU TURN TO HIM AND FOLLOW HIS TEACHINGS.

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  4. 1. If the Catholic Church were TRUE, they would have been teaching from the Bible years ago. But they INVENTED their Dogmas and a Catechism for people to follow their "rules", so they could control them.
    2. The New Evangelization: IT WOULD NOT BE NEW, IF THE POPE AND PRIESTS HAD BEEN TEACHING FROM THE BIBLE ALL THROUGH THE CENTURIES.
    3. There was a time, (when I was growing up) that we were taught NOT TO READ THE BIBLE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT AND SOME PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO READ THE BIBLE AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT WERE EX-COMMUNICATED FROM THE "CHURCH".
    4. THE CATHOLIC SO CALLED CHURCH is a Business Organization. You, me and other humans are the CHURCH. "Know you not that you are the Temple of the Holy Spirit and the SPIRIT OF GOD lives within you"?
    5. Jesus said "I am coming back for a church without spot or blemish"....DO YOU THINK HE IS COMING BACK FOR THE GREAT CATHEDRALS
    AND BUILDINGS? I don't think so! People are the Church!
    6. FAITH- IT IS NOT THE "CATHOLIC FAITH"...IT IS THE CATHOLIC "BELIEFS", DOGMAS, MAN MADE RULES. FAITH IS..AND EVERY PERSON HAS A MEASURE OF "FAITH", but every person, who uses their brain, has to "discern" the TRUTH from the FACTS...a TRUTH IS THE SAME, WHETHER IT IS TAUGHT IN THE CATHOLIC CONGREGATION, OR THE MORMONS, JEHOVAH WITNESSES, BAPTISTS AND OTHERS...BUT FACTS, DOGMAS, OPINIONS ARE CHANGEABLE!!!!
    Rome was filled with pagans, and the Maffia, who wanted to CONTROL the world and the money, so they started the "Church" organization.
    READ THE BIBLE...VERY LITTLE OF THE BIBLE TEACHINGS ARE TAUGHT IN THE CATHOLIC ORGANIZATION.
    IF it isn't written in the Bible, then it is NOT acceptable; all ways of life (religion) must yield to JUDAISM, UNTIL JESUS RETURNS BACK TO THIS EARTH. MESSIANIC JUDAISM IS THE TRUE RELIGION OR WAY OF LIFE.
    What is the difference between calling the Mormons the TRUE CHURCH?
    They have their prophet, their Book of Mormon. If you haven't read it, READ IT and decide if it was not given by a "supernatural being".
    The Jehovah Witnesses have their own Book to accompany the Bible.
    The Christian Scientists have Science and Health by Mary Baker Eddy to accompany the Holy Bible and I must add that MARY BAKER EDDY has proven to be accurate and is more CHRIST ORIENTED than most other religions. NO IT IS NOT PERFECT, but it is closer to perfect than other religions.
    Catholics oppose the teachings of Jesus Christ. They teach that "you are not worthy", but the Father sent Jesus to give his life for us BECAUSE HE FOUND US WORTHY and the Father didn't make anything "not worth it".

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  5. JESUS SAID "Come to me as you are"...The Catholic organization will NOT allow a NON CATHOLIC to partake of Communion. IS THAT OF JESUS CHRIST? I DON'T THINK SO..they want you to be a Member, to keep the GROSS..BOTTOM LINE FLOWING OF DOLLARS! It is about Money! If it was not, then ALL PEOPLE WOULD BE INVITED TO "COMMUNE" WITH JESUS...IF HE WERE THERE. Does the Pope or the Priest Believe that Jesus is in the Eucharist? IF SO, THEY WOULD INVITE THE SINNER TO TAKE COMMUNION BECAUSE JESUS CAME TO SAVE THE "SINNERS". He forgave, told them to GO AND DON'T SIN AGAIN... He also said "LET THE LITTLE CHILDREN COME TO ME"..but the Catholic Teachings and "church" won't let a little child partake of communion...that is supposed to be the Jesus. DOES ANY OF THEIR CATECHISM TEACHINGS SOUND LIKE THEY CAME FROM THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC AND JACOB OR JESUS, HIMSELF? SOUNDS LIKE "CONTROL" FROM A GROUP OF MEN WHO HAVE AN AGENDA...

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  6. IS GAY MARRIAGE ENDORSED BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH?
    DO THEY SAY IT IS "OK" AND NOT SINFUL? BETTER GO BACK TO THE BIBLE...THE TRUTH IS THERE.
    ONE HAS TO STAND FOR PRINCIPLE OR FALL FOR THE TRENDS...WHICH LEAD AWAY FROM OUR LORD AND TO DESTRUCTION. HOMOSEXUALITY IS JUST LUST IN MANY CASES..MODERN SURGERY CAN REPAIR BIRTH PROBLEMS IN THE SEXUAL AREA OF ANYONES LIFE. CHEMISTRY CAN BE BALANCED. YOU ARE WHAT GOD CREATED YOU TO BE...YOU WERE CREATED TO BE EITHER A MALE OR A FEMALE AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE AND YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE, EXCEPT TO BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE.

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  7. There is one thing that is being left out of this discussion. How do children fit into the open marriage equation, gay or straight? True gay couples don't have kids but through donors or adoption there are gays raising kids. How is this bed hopping making the kids happy? And if there are no kids and there is no commitment, then why bother with marriage? Or is it just a way to give “morality” to the lifestyle. After all we all know that if it is legal it must moral???? Try telling that to our good Lord some day. Truth is truth despite the latest poll numbers or judge's ruling.

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